Goodnight Tweetheart Read online

  Abby_Donovan: Nursing home. Bipolar+Dementia=#Med icationFail. I moved her to a wonderful facility in the Bronx 2 years ago after we lost my dad.

  MarkBaynard: So very sorry. Were you a daddy’s girl?

  Abby_Donovan: He was always my rock. My security. Since he’s been gone, the world seems like a much bigger, much scarier place.

  MarkBaynard: When you were a kid, did you ever worry that you would get sick like your mom?

  Abby_Donovan: Daddy always told me not to worry about that. That I was cursed with his face but blessed with his brain…

  Abby_Donovan: But I was still pretty relieved when I realized the voices I’d been hearing in my head belonged to my characters.

  MarkBaynard: Does your mom still recognize you?

  Abby_Donovan: Most of the time. On the days she doesn’t, I’m not sure I recognize myself either.

  MarkBaynard: Believe me…there are days when I wish my mother didn’t recognize me. Hang on…oh crap!

  Abby_Donovan: What is it?

  MarkBaynard: One of the anorexic Frenchwomen was just blown away by a stray gust of wind. I’d better go see if I can catch her.

  Abby_Donovan: Goodnight Principal Snyder

  MarkBaynard: Goodnight Darla

  Abby_Donovan: Goodnight Oz

  MarkBaynard: Goodnight Tara

  Abby_Donovan: Goodnight Xander

  MarkBaynard: Goodnight Drucilla

  Abby_Donovan: Goodnight Spike

  MarkBaynard: Goodnight Buffy

  Abby_Donovan: Goodnight Angel

  MarkBaynard: Goodnight Tweetheart…

  Tuesday, May 3—2:39 P.M..

  MarkBaynard: What are you wearing?

  Abby_Donovan: Coffee-stained sweats and Hermione Granger’s Hogwarts scarf. You?

  MarkBaynard: Samuel L. Jackson’s Jheri curls from PULP FICTION and Frank-N-Furter’s corset from ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW.

  Abby_Donovan: Have you made it to the Loire Valley yet? You promised me a pic so I could live vicariously through you.

  MarkBaynard: VIEW FROM MY iPHONE: http://twit photo.com/MB7stb

  Abby_Donovan: Sigh…it’s the Chateau de Villandry, isn’t it? Tell me EXACTLY what you’re doing at this very moment.

  MarkBaynard: Sitting beneath a vine-covered pergola, nibbling on sun-warmed goat cheese & admiring a re-creation of a medieval herb garden.

  Abby_Donovan: Did I tell you I had some Velveeta today? I took a pic of my view for you too…

  Abby_Donovan: VIEW FROM MY LAPTOP: http://tweetpic.com/282519064

  MarkBaynard: Is that a Gollum doll climbing over the back of your computer? I’m guessing it hasn’t been a very productive writing day, my preciousssss.

  Abby_Donovan: Let’s just put it this way—I know why Hemingway shot himself.

  MarkBaynard: So do I. Because he couldn’t drink himself to death fast enough.

  Abby_Donovan: Every day I tell myself that this is the day I’m going to finish Chapter 5 and start Chapter 6.

  MarkBaynard: Maybe you’re being too hard on yourself. It can’t be that bad. When is the book due?

  Abby_Donovan: March of 2009.

  MarkBaynard: But this is May of …oh …never mind …

  Abby_Donovan: So far Chapter 5 consists solely of “All work and no play makes Abby a dull girl” written 6000 times.

  MarkBaynard: Please tell me you don’t own an ax.

  Abby_Donovan: No, but I did see some spooky twins hanging around the elevator yesterday.

  MarkBaynard: Maybe you’re just suffering from imposter syndrome.

  Abby_Donovan: Shouldn’t that be your gig? Especially if you really are Ashton Kutcher. Or Batman.

  MarkBaynard: I’ve read it happens to people who experience “overnight” success but secretly believe they don’t deserve it.

  Abby_Donovan: Let me guess. You minored in psychology.

  MarkBaynard: Actually it was a double major. I minored in pissing people off.

  Abby_Donovan: I bet you graduated at the top of your class.

  MarkBaynard: Summa Cum Laude all the way, babe.

  Abby_Donovan: I haven’t really felt like an imposter since the book hit so big. More like a guest star in my own life.

  MarkBaynard: The part of Abigail Donovan is now being played by Tina Fey.

  Abby_Donovan: Only because that chick who played Nellie Olsen on LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE wasn’t available.

  MarkBaynard: At least you’ve made it to Chapter 5 of your second book. I haven’t even made it to Chapter 1 of my first book yet.

  Abby_Donovan: You should be grateful you’re not published yet. No deadlines. No expectations. No crippling fear you’ll disappoint everyone who matters.

  MarkBaynard: No fortune. No fame. No adoring sycophants.

  Abby_Donovan: Don’t make me Block you. I already had to Block several people today.

  MarkBaynard: Why?

  Abby_Donovan: I tweeted a joke about my “ginormous freak feet” and the panty hose fetishists started following me.

  MarkBaynard: Friend with pet squirrel mentioned being a “squirrel lover” w/equally shocking results. There really IS something for everybody on Twitter.

  Abby_Donovan: I’m thinking of starting a new hashtag. #How2LoseFollowers.

  MarkBaynard: #How2LoseFollowers: Insult the president. Any president. Obama. Bush. Clinton. George Washington. It doesn’t matter.

  Abby_Donovan: #How2LoseFollowers: Describe in graphic detail just how long it’s been since you last shaved yr legs.

  MarkBaynard: #How2LoseFollowers: Tweet any recipe including cabbage and calf brains.

  Abby_Donovan: #How2LoseFollowers: Make snarky comments about Sarah Palin’s hair and/or the president’s ears.

  MarkBaynard: #How2LoseFollowers: Choose pic of Kim Jong-il as your avatar. Or Kathie Lee Gifford.

  Abby_Donovan: #How2LoseFollowers: Tweet link to URL citing potential health hazards of binging on dark chocolate M&Ms.

  MarkBaynard: #How2LoseFollowers: Tweet that you think COLD MOUNTAIN had the best ending EVER!

  Abby_Donovan: #How2LoseFollowers: Tell me you bet I have really pretty toes and you’d like to hook up.

  MarkBaynard: I bet you have really pretty toes. Wanna hook up?

  Abby_Donovan: Hang on …let me wiggle into my panty hose and I’ll get back to you.

  MarkBaynard: Fortunately, Twitter isn’t eHarmony. People may come here looking for feet, but they don’t come here looking for love.

  Abby_Donovan: Don’t be silly. People never stop looking for love.

  MarkBaynard: Yeah, some of them don’t even stop AFTER they’ve found it.

  Abby_Donovan: A cynic, are we?

  MarkBaynard: No, just a divorced realist.

  Abby_Donovan: You give new meaning to the phrase “hopeless romantic,” don’t you?

  MarkBaynard: My wife may not be Following me anymore but what about you? Is there anything I could do to make you Unfollow me?

  Abby_Donovan: You could tell me who you voted for in the last election.

  MarkBaynard: Who told you about that life-size cardboard cutout of Hillary Clinton I keep in the corner of my bedroom?

  Abby_Donovan: My NRA poster of Dick Cheney is MUCH sexier. I never could resist a guy with a big gun.

  MarkBaynard: You know we liberal guys are all secretly hot for Ann Coulter.

  Abby_Donovan: Yeah, I bet you get hot just thinking about her bony little elbows digging into your groin.

  MarkBaynard: Well, we’ve gotten the taboo topic of politics out of the way. What’s next? Religion?

  Abby_Donovan: Why not? Do you believe in God?

  MarkBaynard: Oddly enough, he may be the only thing I ever really did believe in.

  Abby_Donovan: And you have the nerve to call yourself a cynic!

  MarkBaynard: No, I said I was a realist. So if God is real …

  Abby_Donovan: I wish I had your confidence.

  MarkBaynard: So let me get this straight—I’m a God-fearing Liberal
and you’re a Conservative Atheist?

  Abby_Donovan: I never said I was an atheist. I prefer to think of myself as a devout Narcissist.

  MarkBaynard: What does that mean?

  Abby_Donovan: If the sun is shining, I thank God. If it rains, I blame him.

  MarkBaynard: I think that just makes you a human being. Damn. There goes the Bat-Signal again. Must be another old lady’s cat stuck in a tree.

  Abby_Donovan: Goodnight Deputy Leo

  MarkBaynard: Goodnight Lilly

  Abby_Donovan: Goodnight Wallace

  MarkBaynard: Goodnight Mac

  Abby_Donovan: Goodnight Logan

  MarkBaynard: Goodnight Kendall

  Abby_Donovan: Goodnight Keith

  MarkBaynard: Goodnight Backup

  Abby_Donovan: Will you marry me?

  MarkBaynard: Why?

  Abby_Donovan: Because I made a vow that I’d marry the first man who knew the name of Veronica Mars’s dog.

  MarkBaynard: Tell you what—if neither one of us has found anyone to marry by the time I turn 15, it’s a deal.

  Abby_Donovan: I just hope you like older women.

  MarkBaynard: Oh, I do. Goodnight Tweetheart …

  Chapter Four

  Monday, May 9—1:42 P.M..

  MarkBaynard: What are you wearing?

  Abby_Donovan: Coffee-stained sweats and Madeline Kahn’s hairdo after the monster made love to her in YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN. You?

  MarkBaynard: Keanu Reeves’s long black duster from THE MATRIX and Harry Shearer’s leather pants from THIS IS SPINAL TAP.

  Abby_Donovan: The ones with the foil-wrapped cucumber in them?

  MarkBaynard: I’ll never tell. Let’s just say it was hell getting through airport security this morning.

  Abby_Donovan: Ah …another airport, another glamorous city! So where in the world is Mark Baynard today?

  MarkBaynard: VIEW FROM MY iPHONE: http://twitphoto.com/MB7stc

  Abby_Donovan: Wistful sigh …Ah, Tuscany! ’Fess up. Tell me what you’re doing at this very minute.

  MarkBaynard: Sipping a lush Merlot on the balcony of a villa overlooking the vineyards. You?

  Abby_Donovan: VIEW FROM MY LAPTOP: http://tweetpic.com/282519066

  MarkBaynard: Is that Captain Jack Sparrow hisself peeking over the back of your computer? Avast ye matey! Have I missed Talk Like a Pirate Day?

  Abby_Donovan: When I get discouraged my Captain Jack doll swaggers onto my desk and mumbles sweet nothings in my ear to inspire me.

  MarkBaynard: I thought that was my job. So what have you written today?

  Abby_Donovan: 2 blogs, 7 Facebook updates & 18 tweets. Oh, & a check to the cable company. You would have been stunned by my eloquence on the MEMO line.

  MarkBaynard: If all else fails, maybe we can publish our tweets and pass them off as a collaboration.

  Abby_Donovan: Only if the police don’t seize them as evidence after they search your refrigerator.

  MarkBaynard: I’ll print them out and hide them behind the bottle of Chianti. Next to the fava beans.

  Abby_Donovan: They might need a mug shot for AMERICA’S MOST WANTED too. Why don’t you send me a pic with you actually IN it?

  MarkBaynard: You HAVE sent me naked pictures of your cats. Maybe it is time we exchanged pics. Clothing optional, of course. At least for you.

  Abby_Donovan: I guess that means the Catholic schoolgirl uniform is a no-go.

  MarkBaynard: Whoa! Let’s not be too hasty.

  Abby_Donovan: Meet me back here in 15 minutes. We’ll synchronize our watches, count down from 10, and push the UPLOAD button at the exact same nanosecond.

  MarkBaynard: It’s a date.

  Monday, May 9—2:10 P.M.

  MarkBaynard: Are you sure you’re ready for this?

  Abby_Donovan: I was born ready, baby. Deep breath. Ten …

  MarkBaynard: Nine …

  Abby_Donovan: Eight …

  MarkBaynard: Seven …

  Abby_Donovan: Six …

  MarkBaynard: Five …

  Abby_Donovan: Four …

  MarkBaynard: Three …

  Abby_Donovan: Two …

  MarkBaynard: NOW!!!

  MarkBaynard: http://twitphoto.com/MB7ste

  Abby_Donovan: http://tweetpic.com/282519068

  MarkBaynard: That’s odd. You’re a dead ringer for Angelina Jolie in that pic. You even have the same tattoos.

  Abby_Donovan: And you are the spitting image of Brad Pitt. When did you get your pic snapped on the red carpet at the Oscars?

  MarkBaynard: If you want to know the truth, I’m crushed. I was hoping you looked a lot more like Jennifer Aniston.

  Abby_Donovan: And I was hoping you looked a lot more like David Schwimmer.

  MarkBaynard: So … now that we’ve exchanged fake pics, it’s confirmed that we’re both in the Witness Protection Program.

  Abby_Donovan: Or we’re both craven cowards with intimacy issues.

  MarkBaynard: Don’t be ridiculous. I can be very intimate. Sometimes I even call my students by their first names.

  Abby_Donovan: Everybody is so transparent these days but always in a very superficial way. Is it so wrong to want to preserve a little mystery in life?

  MarkBaynard: Not if you’re in the Witness Protection Program.

  Abby_Donovan: Besides, I sort of like it this way. I can change your appearance based on my mood. Monday you might be Gerard Butler. Tuesday, Clive Owen …

  MarkBaynard: And I can change your outfit according to mine. Monday you could be a Catholic schoolgirl. Tuesday a naughty nurse …

  Abby_Donovan: What? No leather-clad, whip-toting dominatrix?

  MarkBaynard: I’m saving her for Saturday night. Especially if I’ve been a very naughty boy that week.

  Abby_Donovan: Shall we make a pact then? I won’t go looking for your pic online if you won’t go looking for mine.

  MarkBaynard: You’re on. You shall remain a woman of mystery in a French maid costume and stiletto heels.

  Abby_Donovan: And you shall remain Hugh Jackman, Jude Law, Matthew McConaughey, Viggo Mortensen, Sawyer from LOST and/or Sean Astin.

  MarkBaynard: Sean Astin? Samwise Gamgee???

  Abby_Donovan: Don’t you be dissin’ my plump little hobbit love muffin!

  MarkBaynard: I had you pegged as more of a Frodo woman.

  Abby_Donovan: Ha! Frodo was adorable but he couldn’t have found his ass with both hands without his loyal Samwise to help him.

  MarkBaynard: Even I have to admit it was a classic bromance.

  Abby_Donovan: I love that moment toward the end of the movie when Frodo wakes up & realizes he’s alive & Sam appears in the doorway & looks at him …

  Abby_Donovan: … as if to say, “I will always be your friend. I will always love you no matter what you’ve done & no matter what you’ll ever do.”

  MarkBaynard: “Even if that includes trying to hog up the ring of power for yourself and almost destroying the world, you greedy little bugger.”

  Abby_Donovan: I’ve always thought it would be lovely to have someone look at me that way. Besides Willow Tum-Tum, of course.

  MarkBaynard: What about Buffy the Mouse Slayer? Doesn’t she look at you that way too?

  Abby_Donovan: No, she looks at me as if to say, “If you were smaller, I know I could find a way to eat you.”

  MarkBaynard: Now that we’ve determined which hobbit you’d most like to perv on, it might be time to take the next step in our relationship.

  Abby_Donovan: Do I have to meet your parents?

  MarkBaynard: I don’t even want to meet my parents. Not for lunch. Not for coffee. Not for Thanksgiving.

  Abby_Donovan: They sound like charming people.

  MarkBaynard: Oh, they are. Sort of a cross between the Clampetts and the Borgias.

  Abby_Donovan: Do you have any brothers and sisters?

  MarkBaynard: I have a little sister who adores me and an older brother who doesn’t.

  Abby_Donovan: Why? Did Momm
y always love you best?

  MarkBaynard: No, she loved me least. Except when she was drinking. Then she loved everybody. Especially the mailman, to whom I bear a marked resemblance.

  Abby_Donovan: As an only child whose siblings were strictly imaginary, I’m always fascinated by family dynamics.

  MarkBaynard: Trust me—sometimes imaginary is better. Of course sometimes inflatable is better too.

  Abby_Donovan: There you go again. Using humor as a defense mechanism.

  MarkBaynard: I figured out in the first grade that it was better to crack a joke than somebody’s skull.

  Abby_Donovan: It might just be your way of keeping people at arm’s length.

  MarkBaynard: Did I tell you the one about the daughter of the bipolar and the son of the drunk who walk into a bar together?

  Abby_Donovan: No, but I’m guessing one of them has a talking dog.

  MarkBaynard: And a mute, one-legged parrot.

  Abby_Donovan: So if I don’t get to meet your parents (or your parrot), then what IS the next step in our relationship?

  MarkBaynard: I’m kind of an old-fashioned guy so I thought I’d ask you out on a date before begging you to tweet me a topless photo.

  Abby_Donovan: A date? Won’t that be a challenge since we’re on different … you know … continents?

  MarkBaynard: No challenge is too great for Twitter. Just be in front of your computer on Friday night at 7 PM and I’ll pick you up.

  Abby_Donovan: You’re assuming I don’t have anything better to do on Friday night at 7 PM than have an imaginary date with a man I’ve never even met.

  MarkBaynard: Do you?

  Abby_Donovan: No.

  MarkBaynard: Good.

  Abby_Donovan: We’re in different time zones. Won’t that be after midnight for you?

  MarkBaynard: I don’t mind. I’m a notoriously lousy sleeper.

  Abby_Donovan: 7 PM it is, then. I’ll be waiting for you. Um … what should I wear? Casual or formal?

  MarkBaynard: Surprise me. (Although I’m hoping you haven’t completely ruled out the Catholic schoolgirl outfit.)

  Abby_Donovan: Goodnight Lorelei

  Abby_Donovan: Mark? Are you still there?

  Abby_Donovan: Did I do it? DID I DO IT???!!! Did I stump you?!

  MarkBaynard: I’m just afraid if I admit I watched GILMORE GIRLS you’ll think I’m gay instead of just an insomniac who watches too much TV.